Self-love and self-care

Episode 006: Self-love & self-care

What is self-love or self-care and how do you define it for yourself?


Episode 006: Self-love & self-care transcript

So welcome back to the podcast, thank you so much for listening and I really appreciate you guys sharing on social when you are listening to an episode it’s always fun to be tagged in those posts so keep them coming.

I wanted to share with you today an episode on a subject matter that I was going to talk about regardless of everything that was unfolding. I wrote out this list of episode ideas, well, a long time ago but I finalized it in January, earlier this year before really understanding the impacts of this global pandemic. And for a while, I was considering recording it or not recording it because there’s so much conversation around mental health right now but I think I just will and I hope you find some sort of comfort in listening to what I think about this topic.

So I want to bring you self-care and self-love today, and I want to talk about these concepts because I think there’s a lot of very varied information that’s out there in the world and that’s great. Having the opportunity to pick and choose what resonates with us is really important. I am a firm believer that choice and having options is awesome, I also believe that having too many options is a terrible idea and if you’ve ever been to the Cheesecake Factory you may resonate with me on this. I recently was there actually with a very dear friend, and I think we probably took 15 minutes just to figure out what it is that we want to eat, just pages and pages of options.

So we’ll talk about that in another episode where we will talk about your calling or niching down, and really kind of owning your story, cause I think it’s a very interesting topic, but today I wanted to talk about self-care and self-love so maybe you can kinda understand what it is that you need versus all of the information that’s coming at you maybe you feel overwhelmed trying to filter everything out that’s happening in the world.

The reason I originally wanted to discuss this topic is because I feel that self-care and self-love are these general terms that really mean unplugging, disconnecting from everything, and this kind of “fuck the world, I’m out” sort of attitude or this opposite of “well I deserve this manicure and pedicure and this really expensive pair of shoes, or this super expensive piece of technology because I worked so hard.” And in my mind self-care and self-love are radical forms of self-acceptance where you own who you are and what it is that you need at all times and it’s not a reward system for working hard and beating yourself up and then going to the complete opposite and giving yourself lavish amounts of time and completely checking out. The type of self-care or self-love that I want you to consider today is the one that is tied to a keen awareness of where you are every single moment of every single day. I want to invite you to consider that self-care sometimes is sitting down and doing the really hard work. And I know that we are a society with a lot of masculine energy and go-go-go mentality so it seems counterintuitive to think that I’m loving myself when I do hard things, but I also think that when we show up for ourselves we are actually accomplishing the goals and desires that are internally in us anyway.

So in that sense self-care and self-love is honoring your calling the thing that you have to do, the work that you agreed to do, and creating and establishing a report and respect with your own self that I think at the end of the day will be more bang for your buck than maybe a treat. And don’t get me wrong I love my treats and I love taking bubble baths and I love getting pedicures done, especially in the summertime, so I understand those forms of care but I think those are just forms of relaxation. Those things or treats—the scoop of ice cream are indulging in something that is really beautiful about the human existence. It’s indulging in ice cream because it’s so flavorful and delicious and it’s a hot summer day, it’s getting someone to rub your calves and feet because you’ve been walking or standing on them long hours, right? But it’s not the self-care that I think ultimately propels you forward in the sense that you are continually renewing your own energy and resources.

I would argue that self-care is actually discipline to go to bed at a good time. I used to do really really really badly with this one. And probably if you ask most of my friends they’ll tell you that there were serious concerns that I am possibly a robot. And for a good decade, I denied myself a lot of sleep, and it led to a lot of health issues and things that didn’t really seem to be obviously coming from the lack of sleep I had, but now I make it a habit, right? So that’s a form of self-care and self-discipline to put myself into bed, like a kid “here’s your time out” “here’s your time to go to bed.”

Self-care is trying to own the things that you do right and the things that you do wrong and continually being keenly aware of what it is that you need. So in this pandemic right now I would argue at the self-care we need is maybe potentially turning off your news or your social media feeds, that’s possible, right? A little bit of digital detox is possibly more necessary than usual given that that’s kind of how we communicate and how we live right now… so much online content. But also giving yourself the space to feel your feelings regardless. The other day I was just so mopy and sad and nothing really happened, right, it was just the emotion I was feeling. And self-care and self-love just meant that it was OK for me to feel mopy and sad and I didn’t need to fix it.

A dear friend of mine said something that was so poignant that this is not necessarily the time for everybody to learn a new language and start a new business and fix XY and Z in their homes, and hit me really hard because that’s what I thought was happening for a moment. I thought here is this pause in the world right now, let’s get all these things done.  Sometimes I overdo things when I’m anxious or I don’t really know how to handle something, and I don’t know if you experience this too, but it gets to the point compulsive our little overly obsessive… but I would ask myself every day what it is that I really enjoy doing or what it is that I really want to do, and go from there.

So currently, it is my goal to finish all the rooms in my home I purchased last year and it’s a very old home with crazy, wicked, crooked walls and really bad paint jobs, and just things that I don’t even really want to say on the air, but smells that I needed to take care of… it’s just a bunch of old stuff, you know? It’s an old home and needs a lot of love. And at first, I thought it was this mission that this was the time to do it, and then I realized that beautifying the space around me so when I’m home I feel more relaxed, I don’t feel like there is this task list in front of me… or I’ve heard this somewhere, a bunch of open tabs in my mind, like an internet browser, open tabs open in my mind. I actually enjoy the idea of completing these paces. So I feel like I’m taking care of myself, I care about my environment, I make things look pretty.

And you could argue that it comes from the overly obsessive and compulsive side of me, but I try to think about it every day. So some days I work on the house, some days I don’t work on the house. And currently, even with client projects, some days I just know that sitting down at the computer I’ll be spinning out of control trying to do something.  So I don’t sit at the computer for 8 to 10 hours a day like I would usually.

I try to go outside, I try to garden, I try to do the things that really feed my soul and I still every day decide what it is that I want to do. And I consider that self-care. I consider self-care and consider self-love this continuous awareness of where I need to go and it’s OK to feel your feels, and it’s OK to have shit days, and it’s OK to want to do everything and not want to do everything. And so if we can come from the perspective of not shaming ourselves, and to be honest, each other, of what it is that we need to accomplish if you listen to some of the messaging, make sure that if it feels overwhelming that these people are telling you to do certain things, and start new things, and pick up this hobby, and finish that quilt job that you started a long time ago.. if it doesn’t resonate with you or if it feels like it’s too much then that’s OK. And if you feel like you’re bored out of your skull and want to learn how to speak French—then fucking learn how to speak French—and it’s nobody’s god damned business why you’re wanting to learn. It’s something that’s viscerally in you, that’s something satisfying and interesting at the moment.

And even post-pandemic I hope that it gets us to a place where we are really vigilant and really aware of why we are going places what businesses we are supporting… How are we taking care of ourselves, taking care of each other, taking care of our children, our pets, but I think that most of the time we forget how important it is to go internal and come from within to decipher what it is that we need. Because the moment you do that, the moment you kind of start doing the work internally a little bit less of the outside starts to matter. And I mean that in the sense that all of the advertising and media… and I realize the irony that this is the field I am in and I’m talking against it… but all of the external inputs that are coming in that are telling you to do XY or Z all of his sudden starts to fade a little bit because you know, what it is that you really need, right? Do you really need that pair of shoes, or do you really need to learn that new language, or do you really need to just veg out on your couch and watch Netflix, or I don’t even know what, right?  So self-care and self-love… it could include the bubble bath and could include the expensive pair of shoes. But just notice why it is that you love on yourself with those things—or even consider where you spend your money by loving on yourself. Is it a bunch of items? Are you replacing current emotions and feelings with buying stuff? I’m not anti-buying things, I think you guys are kind of sorting it out to that I’m fairly minimalist, but if I want to buy something that I really love I’ll buy it. I’ll save up the money. I am eyeing this bar cart at crate and barrel right now, that’s an arm and a leg, but I measured it out in my space and it’s so fucking perfect, I really want it, right? So there’s nothing wrong with shopping or owning things or having a not minimalist lifestyle, but I think there are things wrong with the concept of replacing certain emotions are feelings or the self-awareness with objects or things or automatic. So just notice, if you think self-care is online shopping because you don’t want to sit with yourself alone or have another zoom conversation with somebody.

So that’s what I wanted to offer today just maybe re-framing what self-love and self-care mean for you… creating awareness around your internal desires and needs that have nothing to do with anybody else’s desires or needs, and I always speak of this, I think I mentioned this in previous episodes, too. I always think of this as the “put on your own mask first” as they say on the airplanes right? Because that’s how you can help others, that’s how you can really go and sit back down, and do good work, that’s how you can take care of your family, and your communities. So just start building that awareness of why you feel a certain way, why you want to do certain things, why you don’t want to do certain things…

I have a lot of friends whom I communicating with a whole lot more these days because we are checking am via text or zoom a lot, and I actually really enjoy it, it’s not just the “oh shit it’s been three months, and I don’t know how so and so is doing” so I’m kind of digging that, but I have a couple of friends who are telling me that now that their previous lives have paused they really have had the opportunity to love on something new that they kinda want to do more than their previous life. And it’s not to say that everybody will quit their jobs, but it is to say that they are being really aware, and paying a lot of attention to what’s serving them and what they really want to do and we will have an episode about this. I really want to discuss with you guys—visceral why—it’s something I teach in my brand clarity course, it’s something I teach to my clients… really getting down to the nitty-gritty of why it is that you do what you do, but I don’t want to jump ahead, but it kind of comes from this very specific awareness of what lights you up and what makes you feel good and to me that self-care self-love and don’t let anybody else tell you otherwise okay, because I think you already got this, and if you just get quiet to listen, you will be able to totally nail it. Alright. That’s what I got for you today. Take care. Be good. And I’ll catch you next time.